Why?

Mulak Reader - Why?

When Sports Afield carried this piece on their back page, it had the following attribution printed at the essay’s end. Looking back, the statement should have appeared at the beginning:
“Hal Borland's essays have had a profound effect upon my writing, and I stand in frank admiration of both his style and his interpretation of his subject matter. The above essay is a salute to Mr. Borland's memory, and is written in the style of the many he crafted under the same title that I've used here.”

WHY?

          Now that the whirlwind that is hunting season has finally settled down, and before the urgency of spring fishing gets its hold on us, we can find a few hours to sit back and get down to the important business of pondering over some of the questions that crop up during any day afield. We're talking about some real burning issues here: Not mundane items such as the best way to steady a pointing dog or how many ducks we'll be seeing in the flyways next fall—We'll leave those minor details to the Robinsons. No. We're talking about the really tough sort of outdoor questions, the kind that are more plentiful than outdoor answers. This is the sort of hard work that a winter's evening is meant for, so in the few minutes we've got before it's time to get up and toss the next log onto the fire and freshen the ice cubes in our tumblers, we should get right to it:
          Did you ever wonder why it is that during hunting season the days get shorter as you get in better shape? By the end of the season you could walk for 12 hours or more—It seems a shame that there's only 9 hours of daylight left in the day by then.
          And what's going to become of the 16 gauge? Although I know a few people who still use them, none of the gun makers seem interested any longer in the gauge that grandpa used to call "Sweet sixteen."
          Why is it so easy to get hunters to switch to smaller bore shotguns—the 20 threatens the 12's dominance lately, and the recent rise in popularity of the 28 is phenomenal—but so difficult to get them to try a smaller shot size? Why don't they put muzzle velocity figures on boxes of shotgun shells? Somewhere between the propaganda and all the warnings and disclaimers there ought to be room for some useful information about what's in the box.
          What is it about simple straightaway shots that makes some of us miss far more often than we connect? For that matter, why won't anyone believe that you made that spectacular shot on purpose, but on that easy miss—which they all said was par for the course—you really did catch your gun butt on your shirt sleeve.
          What happened to all the deer you saw before the season opened? They can't all hide—Where do they disappear to? Why do jackets made specifically for deer hunting have a game pocket in them? For that matter, what's going on in a fellow's mind when he fills his shell loops with ammunition, then empties the rest of the box into his pockets? Just how many deer does he figure to shoot before he can get back to camp? Do bucks ever get their antlers hung-up in the brush? Do you know anybody who ever took a deer with anything other than his first shot? (Well, me too, but not many—You'll have to admit that.) And let's get back to that first question; What did happen to all those deer that you saw before the season opened?
          Why is it that a yellow jacket that sneaks into your car on a warm October afternoon waits until you're in traffic to show himself? What's he after in your car, anyway? And what's the big deal about inventing an insect repellent that really works. Oh, I know they've got stuff that'll keep most bugs from biting you most of the time, but how about something that'll chase off the thousand bugs that orbit my head like electrons around a nucleus, waiting for my bug repellent to wear off?
          Why can't they put a waterproof fly on a pair of waders? For that matter, why can't they make a shotgun for salt-water duck hunting that won't rust or corrode? They seem to be able to make everything else out of stainless steel.
          Why doesn't Hoover make a vacuum attachment for combing dogs? And while you're inventing things, I could use a snow-proof dog bell. Not some electronic device that draws lightning—Just something that won't freeze-up in wet snow.
          How come there aren't more good dogs around? The good ones give their owners so much pleasure, it's a shame they can't be cloned and passed around. Is anything in all the world cuter than a Brittany puppy? Why is it that a bird dog will unhesitatingly retrieve a crippled pheasant or goose, even though the bird is clawing him bloody or beating him senseless, yet this same courageous dog balks at picking up a woodcock? ("Because it smells bad." did I hear you say? This same dog, let me remind you, rolls in every cow flop and over-ripe dead animal he happens upon—Don't talk to me about 'smells bad.') Or why is it that a puppy will point mice all day, but the first time you don't honor one of his points... Hell, I see you nodding your head already. I don't know why, either.
          Why do the guys in the next blind, who don't know any better, put so little faith in their decoys and so much in their duck calls? And why do they keep blowing them even after they've chased the ducks away? Do they think they'll get better if they keep practicing?
          What is it about steel shot that makes it so expensive?
          Who thought of the names for things, anyway? Couldn't he have come up with a more imaginative name for something as beautiful as a wood duck?
          I wonder how well the Indians did hunting ducks with a bow and arrow? Ducks might have been more plentiful and less wary then, but I still can't see that it was ever a high-percentage endeavor. Is there anything more glorious than a flock of mallards flip-flopping down into the decoys? Or a Labrador making a retrieve on a sunny afternoon? Or a Canada goose answering your call?
          If game birds have favorite foods, how come everything in their crops is usually whole? They certainly can't taste the berries and grain that they take in. How does a pheasant, as gaudy as he is, melt into the weeds the moment you take your eyes off him? Why is a grouse in a tree able to realize that he is in no danger from your dog? When you're carrying a shotgun, he certainly doesn't have any trouble telling who you are.
          And why do the ducks always appear when you're picking up? That may be so familiar that it's an outdoor cliché, but it's one you can almost put money on.
          And why is it that chances at doubles always occur when you're just one bird away from a limit? Maybe the ancients had the right idea, with the gods sitting around Olympus laughing themselves silly over the tricks they had played on the mortals below. "What do you say, Zeus? He's almost at the bottom of the slope. Should we have the bird fly back up the hill now, or wait 'til he's walked past?"
          Why is it that nobody ever writes about ice fishing? (Well, maybe somebody did—once. So what?)
          Why is it that when you're turned around in the woods, that's when your compass gets screwed-up. And, once you've got your bearings again, the darn thing works fine?
          Why does everyone I know have a different opinion of the right way to sharpen a knife? And why is everyone's knife sharp except my own?
          Why can't I buy a hand warmer that works? Or leather boots that are waterproof? Other people have them, and seem perfectly happy with their performance. Or is there a conspiracy of those who bought hand warmers and waterproof boots, but won't admit that theirs won't work, either?
          How much firewood do you step over in the course of a day in the woods?
          Does anyone know the meaning of the crescent moon on the outhouse door?
          Why aren't there more hunting cartoons in outdoor magazines? There certainly is more than enough to laugh at out there.
          I can understand why ducks fly south for the winter, but why do they fly back north again?
          Why aren't acorns called oak nuts?
          And why are there always so many more questions than there are answers to go around?
          Why?
          That's another one I don't have the answer for.

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This site was last updated 09/22/06